More ExChristian Angst…
As much as I try to live a normal life, I can’t. Why? When one experiences born-again Christianity, they are changed forever. No matter how much we try to surpress it, it always rises with full force. Every single morning when I awake, I think about how the first thing I used to do was pray. I also used to read my bible daily. Now that I don’t, I notice something is missing. It’s not only those things that are affected, but almost every waking moment. If I tell a lie, I can’t escape the fact that the bible calls it sin. When I go overboard on food (not often though, LOL), I think of gluttony.
Now for the main event. I can’t even enjoy a normal sex life without being bombarded with reminders of sin. Yup, I am overwhelmed with guilt even during sex. How embarrassing it is for your partner to notice your anxiety. A loved one attempted to relieve my stress by telling me that I simply need to meet “superman” who has such sexual prowess, that he’ll distract me from the guilt. Sort of like the guy described in this song. I’m not going to lie and say that that thought isn’t appealing. But I also need to be honest and say that I don’t necessarily want to get rid of the guilt. Too much information, I know. But exChristians can certainly identify with what I’m going through. It’s weird for me to even discuss sex since I like to appear to be the most unsexual person in the world. Heck, no one in my immediate family believes that I am even capable of sex. My pretense is that deep.
Lastly, there’s swearing. I do it way too often. My favorite swear word is “fug.” Yup, can’t even swear without feeling guilty. Fundy Christians would tell me the guilt is a good sign. Those outside the fold would tell me I’m crazy. Oh well…
Wow, that is interesting. I wonder however if it is more sociological than “religious” per-se, aside from the obvious sociological component to people’s religion. I myself curse like a sailor (or a Marine more accurately), and generally don’t think twice about it, aside from knowing that some so-called Church folk use it as measure of how “saved” someone is, which in my opinion is ridicules. In fact, I never bat an eye when I hear a Christian curse, then again, I always look at how someone lives, no matter what they “say” or how they choose to say it.
As for sex, puritan upbringing and the American outlook on it maybe more to the point, I know Christians from, no pun intended, looser countries, who don’t seem to have problems and are very open and forward with their sexuality.
As for prayer, I never have done it as a religious practice, even when I was of the faith of Judaism. I pray because, well, I like to talk with God, same reason I spend time in scripture, I never find it a chore, but look at it like spending time with a friend.
BUT, that’s me…
Wow, that is interesting. I wonder however if it is more sociological than “religious” per-se, aside from the obvious sociological component to people’s religion. I myself curse like a sailor (or a Marine more accurately), and generally don’t think twice about it, aside from knowing that some so-called Church folk use it as measure of how “saved” someone is, which in my opinion is ridicules. In fact, I never bat an eye when I hear a Christian curse, then again, I always look at how someone lives, no matter what they “say” or how they choose to say it.–dj
True
As for sex, puritan upbringing and the American outlook on it maybe more to the point, I know Christians from, no pun intended, looser countries, who don’t seem to have problems and are very open and forward with their sexuality.–DJ
Perhaps, but for me it isn’t sex itself that’s the problem. Its the belief that sex outside of marriage being sinful that bears heavily on my mind.
Oh, I see. Yes, I am sure the whole “sex outside of marriage thing” is an issue for Christians and former Christians. I can say before I got married it was tough for me to abstain, though my reasons for abstaining were more spiritual and practical than religious, but I understand where you are coming from…
Hey, I just found you linked through Feministing and can’t believe there’s someone else out there who feels exactly like I do!
But, I don’t consider myself an “ex-Christian” [although if my family knew about my actions, they would certainly describe me as such].” I am just more critical of the different interpretations certain denominations take to scripture. I suppose I could be considered a more “liberal Christian,” but the thought it so bizarre to me. Me? A liberal Christian? Me, the lifelong Southern Baptist, the mama and daddy’s girl, the straight arrow?
It’s like stepping out of yourself and seeing yourself as you see a stranger.
Hi there!!
I just opened my blog and the public is free to roam the neighborhood once again!! *LOL*
I do understand what you are feeling.
Once, a man was attempting to convince me to have sex EVENTHOUGH I made it clear that I had spiritual convictions about the contamination that I would invite spiritually by having sex…. his answer?? He got on his knees right there and started praying!! On his knees !Then I just stood there in shock!
I said that it was a nice prayer but I could not go through with sex and accept those consequences….then he said….”would it help if I spoke in tongues while making love?”
Some men just don’t stop… he was a Christian by the way….
{shaking my head}
Lisa
Lisa,
That guy sounds stupid. It’s a good thing you did not defile yourself with him, LOL.
Ek,
thanks for stopping by. the more we learn, the more positively critical we become. That’s a good thing, IMO.